Ill start wi a peter kay fave wich cud also kinda rel8 2 the forum.

A naked man is walking along the street with a woman on his back
A friends stops him and asks "where you going?"
The man replies "A fancy dress party!
friend looking puzzled "Well what are you goin as?"
the man says "A tortoise"
intrigued the friend asks "Well whos that on your back?"
"that's michelle!!!"

Ouch.



Two guys walk into a bar.......and the third guy ducks.

3 men - an alchoholic, a smoker and a gay are walking down a dark aly
suddenly a warlock apears to them and curses "If any of you indulge in your bad habbits tonight you will die!" and then disapears
"hah" laughing it off the alcoholic walks into a cocktail bar and sure enough his first swallow kills him, stunned the two remaining men walk out of the bar and the smoker spots something on the pavement, a cigarette end, the gay remarks "man, dont go to pick that up or wer both goners!"

Ha. Dude can I say a blond joke with out some one getting mad at me? Oh I'll do it anyways.

Theres a blond, a red head and a brunette. The find a genie in a bottle. He says hel give each of them 1 wish. The red head wishes to be 100 times smarter. He turns her into a collage grade. The brunette wishes to be 1000 times smarter. He turns her into a brain surgen. The blond wishes to be 10000 times dumber. So he turns her into a boy.

:P

Ohhh well if its sexist jokes 2 cn play at that game,

what do you do when the dish washer stops working?

Tell her your shirt needs ironing!!! OHHHHHHHHH 'AVE IT lol

Why did the chicken cross the road!:O

Gotta love Peter Kay. :P

I'm one of those people who royally suck at telling jokes, so I am not gonna try. Just wanted to say how much I love Peter Kay.

Q:What do you get when you stick three blondes ear-to-ear?

A: A wind tunnel

^ Hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahha! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thats a good one. :)

Agreed. Brought a smile to my face.

Wow, that old chestnut did it for you two huh? Haven't used that one in years. God, for the life of me I can't remember any others right now. My sister is blonde (boy is she ever), and I used to have an arsenal of them. I'll post more as I remember them.

i need to get out my Dylan Moran dvd and write word for word one of his rambles

Chelle xxx

Haha da sad thing is ive never heard that one n i thought id heard them all, what do i know? lol

This is probs overstepping the boundarys and im probably gonna get in trouble 4 this but here goes,

What do you get when you cross Michael Jackson with Arnold Schwartzanegger?




Michaelwazanegger!!!!!!!!!!

What did the toilet seat say to the toilet?

Minx

I dont know?

I know I Get alot of A** but at least I don't talk Sh*T!

Minx

:lol: i love it, purile but funny n who doesnt like toilet humor? lol

Ok, here goes... (disclaimer: this I first heard in school but was reminded of it today. Sorry if it sucks.)

Two nuns and the Mother Superior die in a tragic accident. At the gates of heaven, St. Peter is there, waiting patiently. He sees them and calls them over.
"Right ladies," He says, "Before you can enter you all have to answer a quick question." So the first nun goes up,
"Ok, how many apostles were there?"
"12" She replies happily.
"Correct, go through." She goes through and he calls up the second nun, "How many commandments are there?"
"Easy, 10." She says
"Correct, go through." Ushering her through the gates, he turns and looks at the Mother Superior, "Ok, for you, something a little trickier. What did Eve say to Adam on their first night together." The Mother Superior thinks for a moment, wracking her brain.
"Hmmm, that's a hard one."
"Correct!! Go through."

:lol:

Biblical sex jokes, classy.

A guy is sitting at a piano taking requests at a party. Another guy walks up to him and nervously says:

"Uhm, do you know you're car is being stolen?" the pianist contemplates it for a moment.
"No, hum a few bars and I'll pick it up as we go along."


Two people are standing in a kitchen, one hears a noise coming from the refrigerator. He says:
"Why is your refrigerator humming?" And the other guys says...
"Maybe it doesn't know the words?"

That's Charlie from Lost too :lol:
Eko: Charlie, do you know how they got the hatch door open?
Charlie: No, but if you hum it, I could probably play it.
:P

Gotta love 'em.

Haha we love em, That piano joke is also in "Still Game" probably something none of you have seen before it is too Scottish!!! lol

after stealing a picnic from a group of neds, Winston, Jack and Victor get back in their dingy on the canal with Winstons Banjo

Group of NEDS : "Dae you know Whit wer gonnae dae to you's?
Winston : Naw, but if you can hum it Ill try play it!!!



Ohhhh seriously you gota see Still Game its class Scottish humor!!!!

A man walks into a butchers and asks the butcher "Wheres your assistant?"
The butcher replies "Ohh I had to sack him!"
The man says "Why?"
Butcher says "I caught him sticking his d**k in the bacon slicer on the table!"
Man says "ewww, well i hope you got yourself a new bacon slicer!"
Butcher replies "yeah, she starts next thursday!"



(oops sorry didnt mean to double post!)

:lol: Hahahahahahaha

Filthy!!! :lol: :lol: a joke i heard on comic view, feel free to switch it up.
there was a white guy, a aisian guy, a latin guy, and a black guy on a cliff
the asian guy yells, "this is for my people!" and jumps off the cliff
the latin guy yells, "this is for my people!" and jumps off the cliff
the black guy yells, "this is for my people!" and throws the white man off the cliff :lol:
*no offense* :angel:

a racist joke towards white they are few and far between! lol

What do the Proffesional Golf tour and the KKK have in common?

answer - its hundreds of white men chasing one black!

From dave chappelle's block party:
how many white people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

* none they'll get a N*gga to do it! :lol:

the way dave did it was hilarious!! :P

lolz

A women with no legs is lying on the beach sunbathing and begins to sob, a passing man sees this and stops to ask whats wrong. The women replys "ive never been kissed before, men are put off by my disability!" bending down the man kisses her on the lips in hope of cheering her up! but after this she begins to cry again so he asked "whats wrong now?" the women replys "Ive never been f*cked before either" to which the man says "well your f*cked now, the tides coming in!" :lol: :lol:

want do you get if you putt two black people in a sleepingbag?

(sigh) I'm afraid to ask....

Fire cuz one black person in a small space makes it hot as hell, so imagine 2! :P

twix

I hope I didn't offend anyone

dude if borat can get away with "a genuine chocolate face, no make up" you can get away with that!

..But I Love Chocolate, I would lick their whole face off...

Minx

*jumps up and down*

oooh ooh i got one!

What's a pirates kind of movie?

answer: Rated rrrrrrrrrr! :lol:

* crickets*

:ph43r: ooops that wasn't very funny huh...

^:lol:...I got a sick humor

this isn't a joke but ..

there is 3 kinds of people in the world, those how can count and those how can't

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra!

This one is a classic... (not so much a joke, but still funny)
US naval ship and the Canadian authorities

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

A snare drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Badum chhhhh

:lol: Those last two posts are classic! My vote is still for the american fleet, I think they can take a lighthouse.